After writing and publishing my first book, “The Shelf Life of a Secret,” I felt this overwhelming sense of calm. I had successfully passed through the eye of the storm in my life and survived. Peace was within reach of my inner being. I could feel it. I could smell it. I could taste it.
Not so fast.
If only it were that simple. I wrote a cathartic, brutally honest tell-all novel, purged all my demons, and then I fully expected to reap the reward of my brain rounding third heading home for its final destination of normalcy. Unfortunately, the shit show, driven by my amygdala, still shows up when I’m not expecting it. No matter how much I want my brain to calm the f*ck down, I’ve come to accept that I simply live a dual reality. And, no, I’m not bipolar. I’ve come to realize that my triggers I acquired in childhood are still so easily excitable.
Come on. I’m over fifty. Why won’t they just go to die like the pedophile did ten years ago giving me some semblance of peace? Please, just go away. Let me live a normal life. The sad fact is that we all have triggers just waiting to be set off leading us toward a downward spiral into an abyss that seems damn near impossible to escape. Really? I still have a fear of abandonment, rejection, and sexual abuse. Not that anyone has even come close to sexually abusing me in well over forty years but when I’m alone at night, my heart races in anticipation of an intruder finding me under my covers.
Oh please.
That’s not going to happen, but I absolutely hate that my amygdala (my inner bitch) has opened the floodgates for those stress hormones to cycle their way in a vicious loop from my amygdala to my body and back to my brain. Thank you childhood trauma for yet another episode of heart racing anxiety. Nothing like a cortisol cocktail keeping me up yet another night for what seemed like an eternity.
Trauma can be overwhelming, overbearing, and extremely difficult to deal with. She’s just another cunt I have to deal with when she decides to show up unexpectedly. Like the Covid pandemic. I’d say that was an unwelcome see you next Tuesday tragic moment that just doesn’t want to go away.
Right before the world turned upside down, I stupidly thought it would be a good idea to start throwing all of my partner’s possessions at him in the driveway because I was triggered by yet another childhood trauma that simply wouldn’t go away. Why would I completely lose my shit? Because he made a stupid comment about marriage, I felt rejected, and foolishly over-reacted. Again. My brain’s inability to self-regulate is taking a toll on me. I vacillate between two extremes. I’m either numb with fear or set off in a blind rage. Somewhere in the middle would be a far better solution. Not me. Why won’t these triggers stop? Why do they escalate so quickly? Will the impulsivity ever cease?
After that life altering, “fuck you, have a nice life” moment, I decided it was time for some real change. I needed real help with real results that would be sustainable. I packed my bags and headed to Tennessee to a seven day INTENSIVE trauma healing program at Onsite. No phones. No computer. No interference with the outside world. No alcohol. No vices whatsoever. Just me, my inner child, and people who genuinely care about my journey to healing. I HIGHLY recommend this workshop. Nothing like facing more demons you clearly thought were gone.
Trauma may not be our friend, but she’s certainly lives amongst us. My advice to anyone who has suffered any sort of trauma is to read, “The Body Keeps the Score.” Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk essentially sums it all by telling us, “what the mind forgets, the body remembers.” Those unforgiving triggers live deep within us and can surface at any moment. This hit home with me. He says we live in a dual reality of a “relatively secure and predictable presence that lives side by side with a ruinous, ever-present past.” This is me in a nutshell. I’m a seemingly normal mom taking care of my kids, running errands, watching and playing hockey, cheering on my kids, running a business, managing investments and spending a lot of time in the car driving back and forth from one home to the next.
Then BAM! I am blindsided by a trigger I didn’t see coming. I wasn’t even thinking about any sort of trauma but my body knew it. And, this is a problem. Out of nowhere, she shows up and I am in fetal position once again unable to find my “predictable present”. Didn’t see that one coming…I thought I put all those babies to bed.
Will the shit show ever end? Stay tuned to find out. This is my new blog. I sadly put www.jesusdivorceandoverforty.com to bed. It links to this site. You can still read those blogs. I categorized all of them in the JDOF blog section of painfulwisdom.com. Hopefully, all that pain has brought me some sort of wisdom. The path to wisdom has certainly been paved with pain. Now, if I could just contain those triggers for my sanity. For my partner’s sanity. For my children’s sanity.
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