For months, I was chased relentlessly by this widower attorney whom I thought (until two days ago) was probably the sweetest man I have met in the past several years. Always there for me. Giving. Generous. Good as they get. Always complimenting me. Making sure I was taken care of. But I wasn’t interested in anything other than a nice dinner and some fun. My head and heart were elsewhere. Me chasing a dream of a life that simply wasn’t meant to be.
And then. The “L” word. Out of no where. Of course it was during sex. Don’t they always drop that bomb just before climax? So predictable. So, what do I do? At first, I ignore it. Then? Well, then I really start to think about it. Think about the possibilities. Then I obsess about it. And, when I get my brain going, it doesn’t stop. Always a civil war going on in my head. The universe in my mind and my thoughts is so expansive. It can be its own little black hole. Impossible to escape a black hole, right? Same with my mind and my thoughts.
As I ponder the idea of what it would be like to love this man, I actually start to get excited. Any life with the man I’ve been holding close to my heart for the past 18 months will simply never come to fruition. I finally made peace with him and let him go. Let him out of my heart (not completely but enough to open the doors to someone else). And what does open and honest Wanda do? I share with the widower that I’m finally willing to let down my walls and let him in. After all I’ve been through, I finally deserve the love of a good man. A man who always made me feel worthy. A man who made me feel not only loved but desired. I deserve a healthy relationship. An honest one. One with the potential for a healthy life. I deserve much better than what I was being given by the other guy. Time to let him go as he was no longer my future but merely my past. Time to live for today and the future. Right?
Wrong.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo…..this is where I get stumped…and I MEAN really thrown off my guard….
We plan to go out two nights ago and I tell him I’m finally going to reciprocate the care he has shown me. My turn to step up and be the giver. Not just the taker. I get a text at 4pm cancelling. What? He has NEVER cancelled on me. As a matter of fact, he has ALWAYS dropped what he was doing to see me. Ummm…an about face? A complete 180. Or is Mr. Bipolar finally coming out? No f…ing way am I accepting a text cancelling. So I pursue and demand an explanation.
Ready?
You did notice the title of today’s blog?
Yep…he told me the chase was over. And he was no longer interested. So, when I finally acquiesce, when I finally begin to let the walls down, when I finally decide to start caring for this man, when I finally open up, when I finally accept his relentless chasing, he tells me he will no longer be calling to do anything. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? He said that he did not love me. BUT. He went on to explain that he had to do whatever it took me to fall for him. He reads my blogs. He knows the pain I’m in. He knows how the “L” word is a trigger point for me. He knows my weaknesses. And he took the opportunity to capitalize on it. Nice play, Len.
GO FUCK YOURSELF. I hope you get a disease with all the women you fuck on a weekly basis. Good luck on your next pathetic chase. May it make you feel empty and worthless. Because this smart woman simply won’t let you make her feel empty and worthless.
Moving on. No choice. But, how will I ever let my guard down? How will I trust anyone? Even the ones whom you thought were the good ones, turn out to be just another asshole in disguise. I am stumped. Tough lesson learned this time. Dating in your forties is NOT for the feign at heart. Questioning if it’s even worth it.
