At one point or another, we will all be staring down at death’s door. The inevitable end to our mortality. We all have a shelf life. In dating. In marriage. In relationships. In life.
As we look back down at the life we made, what will be the first memory that comes to mind? The birth of your children? The death of your parents? The fight you had over…well…who the hell remembers, anyway?
Will you be proud of what you accomplished? What you made? Who you made? The pain you caused? The pain you suffered at the hand of another? The many loves you had? The ones you lost?
Will your faith be ever present? What about the faith you lost? Does it come back? So many unanswered questions. Does anyone even have the answers? Or are we destined to never know?
Hopefully, death won’t be knocking on my door for decades to come. But it’s knocking on my father’s door. He still won’t talk to me until I apologize. Guess he didn’t like me calling his wife a whore. OK. She really isn’t a whore. She was never paid. I apologize.
Now.
Where is my apology for leaving me when I was no more than a newborn baby? Where is my apology for not being there for, well, my entire life? Where is my apology for not being there for my children? Where is my apology for not protecting me from the man who sexually abused me? Hmmm?
Showing up once a year to bring me some meaningless store bought thoughtless gift won’t cut it. Is that your idea of being a parent?
Let me give you a lesson in Parenting 101.
Parenting is day to day. Whereas it can be the best gift, it’s also monotonous. One day it’s swirl ice cream with sprinkles. The next day it’s plain vanilla. The roller coaster then the merry go round. In a flash, you go from changing their diapers to handing them the keys to the car. Aside from middle school hell, it really isn’t that bad.
But how would you know?
You left to raise another family. The one you didn’t create. Sure, my brothers lived with you for some of that time. But let’s be honest here. Did they get the same treatment her kids got? Who got braces? Who didn’t? Who got college degrees? Who got kicked out the house? Who didn’t? Something was definitely amiss. But that’s all lava under the volcano now. I mean water under the bridge.
I digress. And for what?
Any woman who would stay with a man who left his children for her is a weak woman. Not sure who is weaker. Him or her. If you’re divorced and dating and the guy ditches his kids for you, kick his ass to the curb. He isn’t worth it. And, if you let him, you’re pathetic.
I can’t help but think about my father every time I hear Randy VanWarmer’s 1970’s hit, “Just When I Needed You Most.” Even though the song’s lyrics are about a couple, the song hits home. You left just when I needed you most. Maybe because it came out when I was that little girl so longing for her father.
Little girls do grow up. But the longing for their fathers really never goes away. Competing for his affection from the woman he holds so tightly is a game I never won. I suppose some games just aren’t meant to be won.
So, does guilt set in as death is imminent? Does the meaningless apology undo all that was done? Does the apology even help you to heal? As he passes, I can now stop wondering if he will ever show up at my door and start being a father, the dad I never had.
Oh, and Happy 50th Anniversary to you and her. Happy you all survived fifty years of your family all the while sacrificing ours. I won’t be at the party helping you to celebrate. And, yes, this is my RSVP.
