Huh? Is that even possible? Finding clarity while you’re knocked out? Really? So, I’m a bit quirky. I really do pull my blog titles out of my own personal abyss. And it’s a deep one! And out of the deep comes some really odd things.
Someone or something or some higher power was watching over me yesterday. Choices we make everyday can affect us. The big ones. The little ones. The impulsive ones. The subconscious ones. So many choices we make each day. Whether we make them consciously or simply on autopilot. We make them. With each choice are consequences. All of our actions have a consequence. Whether intended or not.
Waking up in the middle of the night with horrific stomach cramps is painful. And it sucks. You are powerless as some 24 hour virus has taken control of you. Your body. Your mind. So you sit there on the porcelain god waiting for this mass exodus of EVERYTHING out of your body. So, I’m weak. I’m dehydrated. I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep as I double over in this writhing pain. Think contractions. Remember those? The closer to the birth, the closer the contractions are. I am no where near giving birth but I am having contractions. And they hurt!
Never mind my pain. I am a mother and have to take my 7th grader to volleyball at the crack of dawn. I ask my son but he isn’t exactly up for doing anything when he is still in a deep sleep.
Doubled over in pain, I have no other choice so I get in the car. Kids. Parenting. Life. It’s what you do. Sick or not. We march on.
Well…this was not a good day to act like I can do it all. Because I can’t. As I dropped my daughter off, the pain keeps coming. Now, I have to throw up. On top of diarrhea. My body is in a tailspin. All I want to do is get home so I take the fastest route. As the nausea kicks in, I decide at the last moment to NOT get on the highway. Not sure why. But I veered right instead of left. A LIFE CHANGING DECISION. But why? What made me make that decision in a split second? As I stay on the frontage road, all I want to do is throw up. Not only am I dehydrated from last night’s date with my toilet, I’m dizzy. I’m lightheaded. In an instant, I black out. Driving 30-40 mph on the frontage road at 6 am.
Several minutes later I wake up. I’m confused. I’m a mess. My head is groggy. I have no idea where I am nor how I got there. I undo my seat belt. Thank god I was wearing one. I get out of my car and see that I hit some sort of wall or building or pole or something. I throw up. I have diarrhea again. On the side of the road. I’m in my pajamas. No bra. No panties. No shoes. I am a fucking mess. No one saw the accident. After seeing my car, I can’t believed I simply walked away. Who was watching over me? Is this a sign?
No one was on the frontage road at the time. I didn’t take my usual route. I didn’t get on the highway. Those 2 routes would have either killed me or someone else. Why did I choose this less travelled option? No early morning runners. No cars. A quiet street at 6 am.
Luckily, my ex and I are more than just the parents to our four children. We are friends. He was at my house for dinner the night before. The six of us. We do it for our children. We may have had a failed marriage but we have a successful divorce. And our kids are flourishing because of it.
He is my first and only call after my accident. He quickly comes and takes care of me and my mess of a car. I am truly grateful I picked him to be the father of my children. I am truly grateful he is still in my life to help me constantly pick up the pieces. He is still my family. He still cares enough about me even after all the damage I caused. Whereas, we weren’t meant to be as a couple, we were meant to be family. And that is part of my clarity.
He pieced together the accident based on tire marks and car paint on the medium. I swerved and hit and ricocheted and fucking survived what clearly could have been tragedy. I am not meant to die anytime soon whether it’s by own choice or someone else’s. I am meant to believe and have faith that someone or something is watching over me. I am meant to be here for my children. To hug them harder each night. To love them more. To show them how to survive and thrive in life. I am meant to make a difference in my life and the lives of others. I am meant to be here. Fully be here.
I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky to have friends and family who are a part of my life and share in it. I am a lucky woman, indeed. I have clarity. Found it consciously in an unconscious moment.
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